I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road, someone's gotta go.
And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better.
But I want you to move on, so I'm already gone.
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's gone.
I'm already gone. There's no moving on, so I'm already gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

That's all.

I wanted to do a post on the anniversary of my dad's accident, but I've been 'too busy'. Seems like I'm always 'too busy' to do much of anything except work, sleep & eat; in that order.



My dad was a firefighter working two days on, two days off. He was the President of the firefighter's union local 3574; over-seeing contracts and disputes through-out the whole county (almost 500,000 people population). There are city firefighters, then there are county firefighters; my dad was a big shot. Feared by the higher-ups and revered by the 'little guys'. He was the one who fought for justice and equality and respect for the 'little guys'. He wasn't afraid to speak to the newspapers and go on the local news to speak for and against what he believed and didn't believe in. People knew him and other people definitely knew OF him. Then one night, it all changed.

Tuesday October 9, 1997 was the night in which our lives changed forever. I was 10 years old and in 5th grade. I woke up around 3am to find the house full of people. I sat up in my bed and could see through the crack in my door out into the living room. I didn't put my glasses on but could see the blurry form on my dad standing with what appeared to be his arm in a sling. 'Nice. Daddy broke his arm tonight.' I thought to myself. I didn't bother getting out of bed to go hear the story; I'd hear it the next day from Mommy on the way to school.

The next morning I got up as usual and took my shower. The phone kept ringing and Daddy kept answering it talking to different people. I could tell by the tone in his voice when he was talking serious business or when he was talking to a friend. I didn't pay much attention. People starting coming by the house shortly there-after... it was a little weird as it was so early in the morning and it was 'just a broken arm'. I started paying attention.

I don't really remember the point at which it all pulled together for me as to what happened that night. Daddy hadn't 'just broken his arm'. Daddy had been run-down by, hit by, dragged along with and pinned under a semi-truck on I-95 that night. He and his partner had been tending to an auto accident at the top of the overpass when a semi-truck came plowing through the scene collecting my dad, his partner, an older gentleman, and two other women. My dad's partner was able to wriggle himself out from under the semi- to get back to the firetruck to call for emergency back-up. My father and the other 3 were still pinned under the cab of the truck with diesel fuel pooling up around them.



Needless to say, my dad survived. Everyone survived that night except for one woman. One of the women trapped under the semi- with my dad who asked him to hold her hand because she 'was scared'. He held her hand and told her everyone was doing their best to get them out from under that truck. He held her hand until they told him she had died.

Come to find out, the driver of the semi- had a suspended license which the company knew about but continued to let him drive, he had his girlfriend in the truck with him which is illegal and they also found narcotics in the truck. I don't know the specifics, but we sued Radio Shack and Tandy Trucking Company for damages and loss of whatever. Our family (my dad, my mom and myself) went through this shit for 5 years until a settlement was finally reached. A settlement with Radio Shack, a settlement with Tandy and a settlement with the county for his disability. Being 11/12/13 years old and having to go for depositions and explain to complete strangers the ways in which this accident has changed your relationship with you father is hard.

My dad is now out on permanent disability due to injuries obtained as well as mental health issues. Post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and depression are all REAL things. I've seen it, first hand. He's fine though. He has back problems which are flaring right now, but if you didn't know this story, you would think he was completely normal guy who doesn't work but somehow goes on (sometimes multiple) vacations every year and lives in a 3,000 sq ft home on 3 acres of land.

All of this happened at such a pivotal time in my life growing up that it MADE me grow up. There's a song that I always think of when I think of this story and around the anniversary of the accident - Tracy Lawrence: You Find Out Who Your Friends Are - and it's all SO very true. A lot of things changed once the settlements were over. A lot of people starting getting jealous and bitter. People started to hate. My mom and dad cut ties with those people soon after that. We had been through enough drama and enough shit to last us the rest of our lives, we didn't need more. Some family members still don't understand why we don't do things for other family members, like buy them a car because theirs aren't running or hand them $600 so that they can make rent for the month... you know what? This ain't the Salvation Army. We don't do hand-outs. Yeah, we go on vacations. Yeah, we live in a big house with lots of land. Yeah, my dad bought me my first car. Yeah, he bought me another one when that one died. And yeah, he bought me a THIRD one when the second one died. But guess what!? We've been to hell and back to be able to have these things. They still have bills! They still pay a mortgage. They still have two car payments, electric bills, water bills, phone bills and cable bills every month! We don't sit home all day and roll around in cash. Yeah, we're more 'well off' than anyone else in the family, but at what price?

T.I. said it best and I live by these words now - we also have them up on the refrigerator -
"If you ain't walked a mile in my shoes and you ain't lived a day in my life
You ain't survive the shit I done survived
You ain't had to deal with the shit I done had to deal with homeboy
You can't motherfuckin' judge me, partner.
In order to understand my train of thought
You'll have to put yourself in my position.
You can't expect me to think like you cause my life ain't like yours."

Dear God,

Right now I need you to forgive me. I'm sorry that I need your forgiveness because I know deep down I have a lot to be thankful for but sometimes, as much as I hate to admit it, I am selfish. I know I have a lot going for me, but still with all that I have, there's something that I want.
Please read this note that I have pinned up in my room here and know that sometimes all we need is that one person. I understand that I'm fucked up - boy do I ever understand that - but what I wouldn't give for that one other fucked up person in my life right now. God, I'm tired of being lonely.
And I totally understand that whole 'giving a person struggles because you know they can handle it', but I'm over being the one who can “handle” it. When will you open your eyes and see that I'm not really that strong person that everybody sees? It's just facade, a face I put on for everybody to see. I don't know... maybe I think that if they can see that someone like me can get through hard times, then maybe they can too. I'm so over being this person. Maybe I'd like to be a different person for once. For once I'd like to go to bed at night and not have to cry myself to sleep and not have to reassure myself because I feel like I'm the only person I have to depend on.
I totally understand that right now you probably have a whole lot of other people to deal with, but please, one day, remember that I'm here waiting. Please don't forget about me. I'm still here. As much as I sometimes wish I wasn't.

Please. Remember me.

Changes are coming.

I'm starting my New Year's resolutions early this year. Maybe that will make me more apt to achieve them? I accomplished last year's, so WIN for me!

I want to start taking more pictures and doing more photography. I miss that. It's something I'm good at and it makes me feel good to see how good I am. (Conceited? I got a reason.) I want to lose 10 more pounds by November 20 too. I've lost 15/20 since the beginning of the year with just subtle changes in what I've been eating and drinking. Water is my BFF, as is anything grilled... and salads. Salads are amazing. Sort of... until your 4th/5th day in a row of having one, then they just fail.

I'm going back to school in spring. Hallelujah for that. I'm finally gonna kick my own ass and get this shit done. I have to. I finally feel like it's MY time. I did this and made this decision on. my. own. I'm not doing this for anyone else, I'm doing this for myself and that's what needed to happen. I needed to do this. So, I'm doing it. I had to re-apply to get back in since I had been out since summer '08, but I got my email telling my the re-accepted me and I can apply for spring classes on November 6. So, here's hoping this fire I lit under my own ass doesn't go out.

So, since I'm going back to school, I was covering my bases and I'm (obv) back at Michaels. Got my old job back because, well, George loves me and David totally campaigned to get me back. I said it before and I'll say it again, I just feel more at home there than I do at this fucking office. I hate it here, but you know what? It's been good while it's lasted. It was a job and it helped me pay the bills for quite a while. Without this job, I wouldn't have been able to go to Nashville & I sure as hell wouldn't have been able to go to LA. My last day here is next Friday, October 30. THANK. YOU. GOD.

I need this right now - something to look forward to - like school and a change of scenery and all that jazz. I haven't been this optimistic and hopeful in quite a while. It feels good.

Speaking of looking forward to things...

#LALadies!!!

This may or may not end up being completely EPIC and I may or may not be EXTREMELY and UNBELIEVABLY excited.

Gah!

Yeah, that's right - in 26 days I will be on my way to LA!!

Can't wait.

I may or may not do things because of the reactions I know I'm going to get.
Only when it comes to certain things though.
Like boys.
:)

Whatever.
I'm not a whore by any means...
I just like the attention.

Maybe that makes me an attention whore?
Hmmm...

Bothered.




Not.


You know what DOES have me bothered though?
That I kind of sorta like this song...
and by kind of sorta, I mean really really.
Gah!

So maybe I'm just a bitter, sad and lonely person. Wanna make something of it? Yeah, didn't think so.

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

"I don't want to hurt you."

That's the only thing that I can't get out of my head as of late. I can hear it in my mind like he's standing here saying it over and over again. I can feel the pain and the overwhelming emotion pumping through my body, down my legs and my arms. It's like something grabs hold of my heart and squeezes tight enough for it to have to work triple overtime, but loose enough that the ache is terribly present. It grabs me at the most random and inopportune moments. I replay it over and over and over - on the couch, in the dark; talking about everything under the moon. The sometimes silences were comfortable because that's just the way it was with us. I looked up at him because I feel him staring. Something was wrong at that very second, something palpable changed. I looked at him and he pulled me up into one of his best hugs. He pulled back, kissed my forehead and pulled me back in. "I don't want to hurt you." I couldn't help but cry at that moment. I couldn't help but sit up and pull away from him and just let the tears fall. No sobs, no emotion; just completely blank and numb with tears falling. Why did he have to fuck it up? Because that's what he does and that's who he is - and the sad thing? I knew that. I always knew that. At that moment is when I knew it would all crumble. Everything we had, which wasn't really anything, but we both knew that we had everything within the other. Unconditional love for each other during our darkest most fucked up times. His divorce, my really bad cut-off from John; we were each other's life boat. He kept me sane when I started back into a place that I really didn't want to go to again. He knew that place and he knew I was headed there because he always just. fucking. knew. No matter what he. always. knew. He knew me better than I knew myself and I him. I know that telling it now it sounds like some really fucked up, unrealistic, cheesy bullshit romance novel; but it's all true. He was literally that other half that made me feel whole in a completely platonic way. I never felt about anybody the way I felt with him. From the very first day meeting him I knew. Four days, a week, a month later - inseperable. I was closer to him than anyone in my whole fucking life. These trust issues I have that keep me locked inside myself because of John? They didn't exist. He called me out on my walls I had built. The one day I finally broke down he joked the next day - "Yeah. You forgot to lock the back door. I'm definitely in now." Those were the very best 16 months of my life. The absolute, very best. The 3 years with John would never live up to those 16 months with Patrick and I didn't even love them the same way. I never loved John unconditionally; I didn't even know what loving someone unconditionally felt like until Patrick came along...


...and more often than not I just wish I still felt that.

Greatest. Song. To. Date.
Music has really been lagging lately and I THRIVE on new, good music.
Lady Antebellum is a new favorite; especially after this song.



Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now
I just need you now
Oh baby I need you now.

Good times. Always a good time with Patrick. Always. /sarcasm

I'm purple, he's black.

---

So I heard thru the grapevine that u look like hell. I may hate u, but u still need to take care of urself fucker. Thats all.

Lmfaooooooooo its so true!!! Who told you?? I miss you. How come u never call? U know this is just a game between us of pride and misery lol. I know u love me :)

"A game of pride and misery." How so? I dont call bc - like you - i dont care and bc i dont need u anymore.

We don't wanna be the first to call even though we think 'oh he will or she will call first, I don't need him/her' lol u just said it. Its so prideful. Ilu dollface ;) now what birdie told u I'm ugly? Lol

U use 'we' like YOU actually care, which is funny bc we both kno u dont. :P We're both extremely fucked up ppl who just so happened to be brought together for an instant in time for reasons i will never understand but will always be unbelievably grateful for. Its not necessarily about pride for me, but about not trying to fight against the way something is meant to be. An it was my best friend who saw u at the mall 2 weeks ago who said u look like hell; u know, the one whose name u dont know.

Oh yeah duh. I remember seeing her. I did look bad that day. I was exhausted. Ilu and u know it tho right?

So u say

Don't be like that. U know we have unconditional love for each other forever ;) Did she say I got fat?

I also know that ur so insecure that u really would like nothing more than for me to say it back to u. And all she said was that u looked like shit. I used 'hell' to be nice.

Thanks babe. I hadn't shaved and my clothes don't fit hahahaha I'm gonna start taking hydroxycut when I get the money

Which will be never.

Fuck u hahaha. Actually in 2 months everything will change

Been hearin that for fuckin ever too

---

And that was that.

smh. I will never understand.

Bah.

(In a non-sheep-like way, but a more Bah!-I'm-fed-up way.)

Yep, this definitely needs to be archived for future reference... like for when I need to laugh my ass off. That is all.

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. That's enough, Nickelback.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft..

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the **** was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people... I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way... We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die..

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a **** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in....(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died..

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32.. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories

35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.

What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood..

54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

"It's hard to dream when you can't sleep. And you've shown me something that in all my tears, I've never seen before."

Why is it that I only ever want to blog when I really have nothing to say?
FT job is still all kinds of fuckery; it's like fuckery³... yep, that'd be 'fuckery cubed' THAT'S how much fuckery it is. I'm still doing 4 people's job and yes, I'm still running the office by. my. self. I've seriously got to figure something out for next year. I gotta get back into school and figure out what the fuck I want to do with my life because guess what?
This ain't it.
I'm hardly working at the PT job since my availability is so limited. 15/16 hours a week there ain't payin' the fucking bills so I'm still stressing about what I'm going to do about that. I really do enjoy working there though; it's just fun. So much better than sitting in that office all damn day dealing with patients. At least the customers at Michael's are bitches and then I usually don't have to see them again. At the office they're bitches and then I have to see them again and again and again.
LAME.
I actually wanted to type up an open letter to Patrick to make myself feel better, but I just don't care right now. My full-blown panic attack this afternoon freaked me the hell out. I know it sounds weird but that only ever happened when something was happening with him. I wouldn't know anything was happening but I would have these panic attacks, then when we would talk later he'd tell me something that had happened. We were always so connected in an insane and crazy way. I miss it. I miss him being able to just look at me and know exactly what was wrong and to know exactly what I needed him to do or say to make me feel better.
I think I may have become way too dependent on him while he was around; I just honestly never thought I'd have to worry about losing our friendship. Everything was so different with him. From the very first day we met and I found out he had a band and that he loved Maroon 5 and RHCP. From 4 days later when I asked him what was wrong and why he wasn't being himself and he broke down and told me he was in the middle of a separartion that was turning into a divorce. From that day 3 months later when he really pissed me the fuck off and I wound up grabbing him in the middle of an aisle, crying, and said "Please don't make me hate you." From that night on his couch 8 months later when he kissed my forehead and told me he didn't want to hurt me. It was at that point, that night, when I knew it was going to hurt like a mother fucker when this all inevitably came to an end.
I never wanted to cling to him but everything always felt so safe and secure with him, even though in the back of my mind I knew shit would go bad at some point. I just never really thought we would end up that way.
We loved each other and meant way too much to each other to let distance or bullshit come in between our friendship; our bond.
I'm so happy to have had him though. He came into my life at the perfect time. John and I were freshly disconnected and Patrick just seemed to get it. He always got me. He knew, he understood; he was always in my brain, sharing the emotions and pain because in his own way he was going through the same thing with his separation/divorce.
I knew what was best for him and he knew what was best for me. I trusted him and told him more things than I ever told my two best friends. There are still a couple of things that only he knows that I've never told Shanon or Joslynn; THAT'S how safe and secure I felt with him. He just told me what I needed to hear and never what he knew I want to hear. He didn't sugar-coat anything and always told me when I needed to grow the fuck up and move on and get over something.
I was, and still am, a better person because of the things he did for me. I will honestly never be able to verbalize or express my gratitude; but I know he knows.
He always did.
I am grateful for the time I had with him and for the fact that God basically dropped him into my life when he did. Honestly, without Patrick, I don't know where I would be right now. Those times a couple of years ago were not happy or good times for me. They were very very dark times, but Patrick was my sun.
Yes, yes I did just reference New Moon, but that's what I do; I relate everything back to Rob or Twilight. Anyway, that's why it's so hard for me to read New Moon and I know it will be even harder for me to watch it in movie form. Patrick was my Jacob and John was my Edward, minus the fact that John didn't come back and Patrick wound up leaving me too.
But you know what? It's been a long road and obviously I still get really down about it, but I'm okay now. I'm okay with the fact that we don't speak. I'm okay with the fact that he's no longer around; it kind of makes my life easier. The things he taught me that made me get over John leaving me made me a tough person; made me a fighter - which in turn helped me get my ass off the ground once he left me too.

If you can't go anywhere else, you can always go home.

Today started out horrific. Reading 'New Moon' again really (excuse the cliche) opens up the hole in my heart that Patrick used to occupy. I dreamed about an ex-boyfriend, I dreamed about Patrick AND I dreamed about an old childhood sweetheart-type crush/BFF. I woke up with a complete sense of loneliness and vulnerability.
There's those days when u wake up & just want a hug & some platonic interaction w the male species... & that's ur emo Jessica for the day... so days like this are the days that I really miss Patrick & these are the days that start out w tears.
It was an emo kind of morning while getting ready. To top it off, I was welcomed to work by a huge fucking mess left by the doctor from over the weekend - computers turned completely off, server down, systems not working properly, my papers and things I had set from Friday askew and some missing. It was a lovely morning to say the least - "Happy Monday!" /sarcasm. 11:30a rolled around and my cell rang. I didn't recognize the number but I'd been expecting a call for over a week. It was George, my old boss. He called to let me know that they had my old position just open back up and to let him know if I was interested. Well DUH. So now I'll be working full-time at the doctor's office and back to my part-time supervisor job in retail. When I walked in today to go do my paperwork for re-hire it just felt right.
It felt like home.

So I may or may not have actually let a few tears fall on the plane home on Tuesday.

I have no clue where it came from, but out of nowhere I got to thinking -

I'm going home; back to my mundane and boring life and back to a job that I really fucking hate. I'm going home; back to living a life that has no real direction as of late.

Then I got to thinking about Rob and all that has come of his life when he was also feeling as though he was headed in no real direction. It boggles my mind how luck can just fall into some people's lap. Then, of course, I got to thinking of how I spend way too much time thinking about Rob and relating everything back to Rob. It's sick. I mean, really, when I sat back and thought about it - because I had no other choice sitting in my 2x2 seat next to the window for 5 hours - it's sick. It really made me open my eyes and see how empty and void of meaning my life is at this point. It's just sad.

I need something in my life; I know that.
What I don't know is what that 'something' is...
and therein lies the point of my blog subtitle.

Figuring it all out, one day at a time; just learning how to be.

If you need me, I'll be in Forks hunting vampires.

Take 1:
Dear Rob,
Do you need help with those horrendous dadpants?
Offering my... uh... 'services',
xoMe.

Take 2:
Dear Rob,
Yes, it's still there. The TwiMoms didn't take it without you knowing to create clones.
Breathe easy BB,
xoMe.

Hi.

Dear Rob,
You look so much cuter with somethin' in your mouth.
Nickelback Love,
xoMe.

MTV Movie Awards | Twilight: New Moon

Sam Bradley & Bobby Long - Nashville, TN 4/23

Links to vids & pics are at the bottom, just in case you wanna skip the long drawn out book report :)
EDIT: I have video from each of the boys uploaded to my YouTube now. Some are mine, some are Jenna's and some Suzie's. Individual videos with song titles are linked at the bottom still.


Sitting in the Nashy airport waiting to board my flight to Charlotte, then home to Florida.
(UPDATE #1: 1 hour later. Should have been boarding right now - flight is delayed because they’re having problems with the fucking plane. Fannnntastic.)
(UPDATE #2: Uhhh… 2 hours later. My flight was cancelled and now I got re-directed to a Southwest flight that doesn’t leave until 7:55 - it’s only 4:15 now. Siiiiiiiigh)

I’m gonna try to touch on some important points from last night, though I don’t really remember a lot of it. It was all a blur; and no, not because I was drunk - although I really wasn’t… just really good and buzzed. Right before I met Sam I snapped myself out of it. I couldn’t go all weird and crazy on him. I refused to leave him with that as a first impression - not really something I want him using against me when we get married. ;)

So Carrie and I decided to walk to the bar from our hotel and meet Jenna & Suzie there. We wound up having to pay $7 to see the first band that was playing and we had dinner there. We found out that they were going to kick everyone out of the bar before Sam and Bobby’s show and we would have to get in a line outside to be let back in to see the guys. We came up with a game plan while we were outside in line about 50th back. The bar had an upstairs that PERFECTLY overlooked the stage and downstairs had a lot of good options too. We decided we’d split up and see who got the better seats for 4... I went straight upstairs since I already had my ticket and they let me pass by the will-call line. There was NOBODY up there so I that‘s where we wound up. I don’t think anyone knew there even was an upstairs until we went up there because then everyone followed. The seats were AMAZING - though they weren’t on the bottom level front and center stage - I think they were the best ones in the place. The sound was AMAZING and the view was fucking perfect.

Sam came on first and fucking blew me away. I really have no words to explain how talented he is; and so gracious/adorable/lovable/funny/cuddly. lol He’s just… aghhhh; no words. Even if you’re not THAT into his music style or whatever, you HAVE to go see him perform - you will fall in love with him - Carrie did.

Bobby came on next obviously and did equally as great a job as Sam. He’s totally into his music and gets so embarrassed being the center of attention. He kept doing this thing with his hair in between songs where he would pull it out of his face, look out at everyone and then pull it back in front of his face and eyes… as if to say “Oh God! Don’t look at me!” in an embarrassed way. Soooo fucking adorable.

After the show everyone crowded around right outside the front doors to do the ‘meet & greet’ if you will. God they were so unbelievably nice and thankful for everything.

Jenna decided to tell Sam that there was a letter to him on the blog that day. He said ‘Oh yes, I saw it; actually I got the email about it, I haven‘t had the chance to respond yet.. it was a little harsh at the beginning though…” We finally figured out that he was talking about the part that says “We probably wouldn’t even talk to you if we came to a show because we don’t really care as much as we pretend to (but we do kinda care deep down) and we care more about saving face.” but we let him know that we do actually heart his face.

Jenna and I also told him that we had flown in just to see them that night. He totes recognized me when I told him I came from Florida to see him since we had already told him about the letter. When he actually did read his letter on the blog, I was the first comment on there, so there is NO DOUBT in my mind that he saw my letter to him about me flying from Florida to Nashville to see him. I didn’t place it until later back at the hotel, but the look he gave me was a look of recognition; like he looked at me and realized that I was the girl in that comment with the glasses on. At that moment standing there I thought it was a look of complete shock, but then I realized it was just a look of recognition; like all the pieces came together for him. That moment = WIN. It only would have been better if he would have said “JBell!?” I would have fucking DIED.

While we were in the crowd waiting to meet Bobby I sent out a tweet that we had met Sam. Everyone asked if I taught him how to reply to his own tweets, since he told JAG he doesn’t know how. I HAD FORGOT, plus being in the middle of 239 girls clamoring to get his attention to get a picture with him had me a little on edge. So I tweeted that we would have to go back to him and give him a tutorial and show him how. (more on that in a minute)

Manager Phil actually made a little announcement that Bobby was going to have to go inside because he had to do an interview, but that they’d be back. We stood where we were while he left and then came back. We stood for a while longer and then Phil was trying to get him to leave AGAIN. He started walking towards us near the end of the line and we knew we needed to pounce. Bobby wasn’t saying no to anybody and seemed very happy to stand and sign more autographs and take pictures. We grabbed him for a quick sec, took pictures and had him sign things, then we went back inside the bar where Suzie still was - she was trying to get inside info. LOL

As we went inside Suzie let us know that Sam was actually in there too; I hadn’t even realized he wasn’t outside anymore. So he finally came around to where we were and there were only about 10 of us hanging out. Suzie got him to sign her shirt and had a little chat with him about seeing “How To Be” on Sunday and he TOTES recognized and remembered her! Then a random older lady who was there just really wanted her moment with him to really tell him how much she appreciated him and loved his music. She had taken a lot of professional type pics and wanted to show them off. THAT’S WHEN I DECIDED that THAT was my moment to get to him again. I walked over to where they were standing and right before he went back outside I grabbed him.

IPod in hand with an @reply ready and waiting for @letter2twilight. I stood there and he looked at me again and that’s when I said “Can I go completely crazy on you right now and just have you tweet something?” while I held it out to him. He laughed, grabbed it out of my hand and typed “blessed night x” and handed it back. I didn’t technically give him a tutorial, but the way he grabbed my iPod and typed on it - he KNEW EXACTLY what he was doing with it, so he’s definitely NOT a technotard. I’m betting he would have no problem replying to people if he were following people. He’s only following 1 person and they don’t even tweet, so… yeah.

I’m also COMPLETELTY jealous of Carrie because Sam AND Bobby wouldn’t let her go when she went in for pictures. It was always my turn after her and I was trying in VEIN to get her away from them. Sam totally told her that he “got lost in her eyes” at one point. It made me sad. I had the camera and Jenna was up there for a picture with him and he was looking at Carrie like SHE had the camera. I had to call out “over hear!” to get him to focus on the camera. :[

Sigh. It was such a great night and meeting everyone was so fucking awesome. I was just watching my videos again while I’m waiting for them to load to You Tube - just fucking amazing. I really have no other words.


Vids -
Sam Bradley - Whiskey
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux8GQtpHoMw
Sam Bradley - Paradise
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH2bPNViXXI
Sam Bradley - Derek
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hatREaPHckM
Sam Bradley - Too Far Gone
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL4iZ8f-lHA
Sam Bradley - That’s How Strong My Love Is
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IB6X9--OS4A
Sam Bradley - Scared
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0WBTx6kRdM
Sam Bradley - Soho Whores
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8SKWJ-9nz0
Sam Bradley - Like A River
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKJzI49Lt5k
Bobby Long - Tear Me Up
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUcRwN3hMOY
Bobby Long - Left To Lie
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dr2HazzCV4k

Pics -
Just some of the people that were directly below us -
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y149/D ... 3/0006.jpg

My pictures of Sam came out so blurry and sad because the lighting was so dim, but here’s a couple of him anyway, plus my flash doesn‘t work that far away apparently -
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y149/D ... 3/0010.jpg
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y149/D ... 3/0012.jpg
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y149/D ... 3/0014.jpg

My pictures of Bobby came out a little better because his lighting was better I assume -
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y149/D ... 3/0018.jpg
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y149/D ... 3/0023.jpg
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y149/D ... 3/0028.jpg

Awww, Hi Buddy!

I promise not to forget you [insert cute name for blog here]! I've been busy with this LTR forum for a couple weeks and with work. AND!! I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Nashville to see Sam Bradley and Bobby Long perform together at a random bar/venue on Music Row!

I know, I know... I'm insane! lol But it's gonna be so much fun.

I promise I will start blogging as soon as things settle down. Maybe my first blog will be about my whirlwind 24 hour trip to Nashy ;) maybe Sam will even comment on it like he did with JAG's blog after she met him. Wouldn't that be something!? To have an up and coming star read you and talk to you!? I know, it would be.

Well... I'm off for now and like I said, I PROMISE I won't forget you.

Goodnight Bloggy!
xoMe.

PS - I promise to come up with a better name for you too.

Is Blogger Really THIS Easy To Use?!

Like, seriously THIS easy?? It's just like MySpace. Holy hell. Lookout Blogger! HERE I COME!