Greatest. Song. To. Date.
Music has really been lagging lately and I THRIVE on new, good music.
Lady Antebellum is a new favorite; especially after this song.



Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now
I just need you now
Oh baby I need you now.

Good times. Always a good time with Patrick. Always. /sarcasm

I'm purple, he's black.

---

So I heard thru the grapevine that u look like hell. I may hate u, but u still need to take care of urself fucker. Thats all.

Lmfaooooooooo its so true!!! Who told you?? I miss you. How come u never call? U know this is just a game between us of pride and misery lol. I know u love me :)

"A game of pride and misery." How so? I dont call bc - like you - i dont care and bc i dont need u anymore.

We don't wanna be the first to call even though we think 'oh he will or she will call first, I don't need him/her' lol u just said it. Its so prideful. Ilu dollface ;) now what birdie told u I'm ugly? Lol

U use 'we' like YOU actually care, which is funny bc we both kno u dont. :P We're both extremely fucked up ppl who just so happened to be brought together for an instant in time for reasons i will never understand but will always be unbelievably grateful for. Its not necessarily about pride for me, but about not trying to fight against the way something is meant to be. An it was my best friend who saw u at the mall 2 weeks ago who said u look like hell; u know, the one whose name u dont know.

Oh yeah duh. I remember seeing her. I did look bad that day. I was exhausted. Ilu and u know it tho right?

So u say

Don't be like that. U know we have unconditional love for each other forever ;) Did she say I got fat?

I also know that ur so insecure that u really would like nothing more than for me to say it back to u. And all she said was that u looked like shit. I used 'hell' to be nice.

Thanks babe. I hadn't shaved and my clothes don't fit hahahaha I'm gonna start taking hydroxycut when I get the money

Which will be never.

Fuck u hahaha. Actually in 2 months everything will change

Been hearin that for fuckin ever too

---

And that was that.

smh. I will never understand.

Bah.

(In a non-sheep-like way, but a more Bah!-I'm-fed-up way.)

Yep, this definitely needs to be archived for future reference... like for when I need to laugh my ass off. That is all.

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. That's enough, Nickelback.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft..

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the **** was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people... I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way... We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die..

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a **** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in....(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died..

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32.. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories

35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.

What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood..

54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

"It's hard to dream when you can't sleep. And you've shown me something that in all my tears, I've never seen before."

Why is it that I only ever want to blog when I really have nothing to say?
FT job is still all kinds of fuckery; it's like fuckery³... yep, that'd be 'fuckery cubed' THAT'S how much fuckery it is. I'm still doing 4 people's job and yes, I'm still running the office by. my. self. I've seriously got to figure something out for next year. I gotta get back into school and figure out what the fuck I want to do with my life because guess what?
This ain't it.
I'm hardly working at the PT job since my availability is so limited. 15/16 hours a week there ain't payin' the fucking bills so I'm still stressing about what I'm going to do about that. I really do enjoy working there though; it's just fun. So much better than sitting in that office all damn day dealing with patients. At least the customers at Michael's are bitches and then I usually don't have to see them again. At the office they're bitches and then I have to see them again and again and again.
LAME.
I actually wanted to type up an open letter to Patrick to make myself feel better, but I just don't care right now. My full-blown panic attack this afternoon freaked me the hell out. I know it sounds weird but that only ever happened when something was happening with him. I wouldn't know anything was happening but I would have these panic attacks, then when we would talk later he'd tell me something that had happened. We were always so connected in an insane and crazy way. I miss it. I miss him being able to just look at me and know exactly what was wrong and to know exactly what I needed him to do or say to make me feel better.
I think I may have become way too dependent on him while he was around; I just honestly never thought I'd have to worry about losing our friendship. Everything was so different with him. From the very first day we met and I found out he had a band and that he loved Maroon 5 and RHCP. From 4 days later when I asked him what was wrong and why he wasn't being himself and he broke down and told me he was in the middle of a separartion that was turning into a divorce. From that day 3 months later when he really pissed me the fuck off and I wound up grabbing him in the middle of an aisle, crying, and said "Please don't make me hate you." From that night on his couch 8 months later when he kissed my forehead and told me he didn't want to hurt me. It was at that point, that night, when I knew it was going to hurt like a mother fucker when this all inevitably came to an end.
I never wanted to cling to him but everything always felt so safe and secure with him, even though in the back of my mind I knew shit would go bad at some point. I just never really thought we would end up that way.
We loved each other and meant way too much to each other to let distance or bullshit come in between our friendship; our bond.
I'm so happy to have had him though. He came into my life at the perfect time. John and I were freshly disconnected and Patrick just seemed to get it. He always got me. He knew, he understood; he was always in my brain, sharing the emotions and pain because in his own way he was going through the same thing with his separation/divorce.
I knew what was best for him and he knew what was best for me. I trusted him and told him more things than I ever told my two best friends. There are still a couple of things that only he knows that I've never told Shanon or Joslynn; THAT'S how safe and secure I felt with him. He just told me what I needed to hear and never what he knew I want to hear. He didn't sugar-coat anything and always told me when I needed to grow the fuck up and move on and get over something.
I was, and still am, a better person because of the things he did for me. I will honestly never be able to verbalize or express my gratitude; but I know he knows.
He always did.
I am grateful for the time I had with him and for the fact that God basically dropped him into my life when he did. Honestly, without Patrick, I don't know where I would be right now. Those times a couple of years ago were not happy or good times for me. They were very very dark times, but Patrick was my sun.
Yes, yes I did just reference New Moon, but that's what I do; I relate everything back to Rob or Twilight. Anyway, that's why it's so hard for me to read New Moon and I know it will be even harder for me to watch it in movie form. Patrick was my Jacob and John was my Edward, minus the fact that John didn't come back and Patrick wound up leaving me too.
But you know what? It's been a long road and obviously I still get really down about it, but I'm okay now. I'm okay with the fact that we don't speak. I'm okay with the fact that he's no longer around; it kind of makes my life easier. The things he taught me that made me get over John leaving me made me a tough person; made me a fighter - which in turn helped me get my ass off the ground once he left me too.

If you can't go anywhere else, you can always go home.

Today started out horrific. Reading 'New Moon' again really (excuse the cliche) opens up the hole in my heart that Patrick used to occupy. I dreamed about an ex-boyfriend, I dreamed about Patrick AND I dreamed about an old childhood sweetheart-type crush/BFF. I woke up with a complete sense of loneliness and vulnerability.
There's those days when u wake up & just want a hug & some platonic interaction w the male species... & that's ur emo Jessica for the day... so days like this are the days that I really miss Patrick & these are the days that start out w tears.
It was an emo kind of morning while getting ready. To top it off, I was welcomed to work by a huge fucking mess left by the doctor from over the weekend - computers turned completely off, server down, systems not working properly, my papers and things I had set from Friday askew and some missing. It was a lovely morning to say the least - "Happy Monday!" /sarcasm. 11:30a rolled around and my cell rang. I didn't recognize the number but I'd been expecting a call for over a week. It was George, my old boss. He called to let me know that they had my old position just open back up and to let him know if I was interested. Well DUH. So now I'll be working full-time at the doctor's office and back to my part-time supervisor job in retail. When I walked in today to go do my paperwork for re-hire it just felt right.
It felt like home.