I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road, someone's gotta go.
And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better.
But I want you to move on, so I'm already gone.
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's gone.
I'm already gone. There's no moving on, so I'm already gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

That's all.

I wanted to do a post on the anniversary of my dad's accident, but I've been 'too busy'. Seems like I'm always 'too busy' to do much of anything except work, sleep & eat; in that order.



My dad was a firefighter working two days on, two days off. He was the President of the firefighter's union local 3574; over-seeing contracts and disputes through-out the whole county (almost 500,000 people population). There are city firefighters, then there are county firefighters; my dad was a big shot. Feared by the higher-ups and revered by the 'little guys'. He was the one who fought for justice and equality and respect for the 'little guys'. He wasn't afraid to speak to the newspapers and go on the local news to speak for and against what he believed and didn't believe in. People knew him and other people definitely knew OF him. Then one night, it all changed.

Tuesday October 9, 1997 was the night in which our lives changed forever. I was 10 years old and in 5th grade. I woke up around 3am to find the house full of people. I sat up in my bed and could see through the crack in my door out into the living room. I didn't put my glasses on but could see the blurry form on my dad standing with what appeared to be his arm in a sling. 'Nice. Daddy broke his arm tonight.' I thought to myself. I didn't bother getting out of bed to go hear the story; I'd hear it the next day from Mommy on the way to school.

The next morning I got up as usual and took my shower. The phone kept ringing and Daddy kept answering it talking to different people. I could tell by the tone in his voice when he was talking serious business or when he was talking to a friend. I didn't pay much attention. People starting coming by the house shortly there-after... it was a little weird as it was so early in the morning and it was 'just a broken arm'. I started paying attention.

I don't really remember the point at which it all pulled together for me as to what happened that night. Daddy hadn't 'just broken his arm'. Daddy had been run-down by, hit by, dragged along with and pinned under a semi-truck on I-95 that night. He and his partner had been tending to an auto accident at the top of the overpass when a semi-truck came plowing through the scene collecting my dad, his partner, an older gentleman, and two other women. My dad's partner was able to wriggle himself out from under the semi- to get back to the firetruck to call for emergency back-up. My father and the other 3 were still pinned under the cab of the truck with diesel fuel pooling up around them.



Needless to say, my dad survived. Everyone survived that night except for one woman. One of the women trapped under the semi- with my dad who asked him to hold her hand because she 'was scared'. He held her hand and told her everyone was doing their best to get them out from under that truck. He held her hand until they told him she had died.

Come to find out, the driver of the semi- had a suspended license which the company knew about but continued to let him drive, he had his girlfriend in the truck with him which is illegal and they also found narcotics in the truck. I don't know the specifics, but we sued Radio Shack and Tandy Trucking Company for damages and loss of whatever. Our family (my dad, my mom and myself) went through this shit for 5 years until a settlement was finally reached. A settlement with Radio Shack, a settlement with Tandy and a settlement with the county for his disability. Being 11/12/13 years old and having to go for depositions and explain to complete strangers the ways in which this accident has changed your relationship with you father is hard.

My dad is now out on permanent disability due to injuries obtained as well as mental health issues. Post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and depression are all REAL things. I've seen it, first hand. He's fine though. He has back problems which are flaring right now, but if you didn't know this story, you would think he was completely normal guy who doesn't work but somehow goes on (sometimes multiple) vacations every year and lives in a 3,000 sq ft home on 3 acres of land.

All of this happened at such a pivotal time in my life growing up that it MADE me grow up. There's a song that I always think of when I think of this story and around the anniversary of the accident - Tracy Lawrence: You Find Out Who Your Friends Are - and it's all SO very true. A lot of things changed once the settlements were over. A lot of people starting getting jealous and bitter. People started to hate. My mom and dad cut ties with those people soon after that. We had been through enough drama and enough shit to last us the rest of our lives, we didn't need more. Some family members still don't understand why we don't do things for other family members, like buy them a car because theirs aren't running or hand them $600 so that they can make rent for the month... you know what? This ain't the Salvation Army. We don't do hand-outs. Yeah, we go on vacations. Yeah, we live in a big house with lots of land. Yeah, my dad bought me my first car. Yeah, he bought me another one when that one died. And yeah, he bought me a THIRD one when the second one died. But guess what!? We've been to hell and back to be able to have these things. They still have bills! They still pay a mortgage. They still have two car payments, electric bills, water bills, phone bills and cable bills every month! We don't sit home all day and roll around in cash. Yeah, we're more 'well off' than anyone else in the family, but at what price?

T.I. said it best and I live by these words now - we also have them up on the refrigerator -
"If you ain't walked a mile in my shoes and you ain't lived a day in my life
You ain't survive the shit I done survived
You ain't had to deal with the shit I done had to deal with homeboy
You can't motherfuckin' judge me, partner.
In order to understand my train of thought
You'll have to put yourself in my position.
You can't expect me to think like you cause my life ain't like yours."

Dear God,

Right now I need you to forgive me. I'm sorry that I need your forgiveness because I know deep down I have a lot to be thankful for but sometimes, as much as I hate to admit it, I am selfish. I know I have a lot going for me, but still with all that I have, there's something that I want.
Please read this note that I have pinned up in my room here and know that sometimes all we need is that one person. I understand that I'm fucked up - boy do I ever understand that - but what I wouldn't give for that one other fucked up person in my life right now. God, I'm tired of being lonely.
And I totally understand that whole 'giving a person struggles because you know they can handle it', but I'm over being the one who can “handle” it. When will you open your eyes and see that I'm not really that strong person that everybody sees? It's just facade, a face I put on for everybody to see. I don't know... maybe I think that if they can see that someone like me can get through hard times, then maybe they can too. I'm so over being this person. Maybe I'd like to be a different person for once. For once I'd like to go to bed at night and not have to cry myself to sleep and not have to reassure myself because I feel like I'm the only person I have to depend on.
I totally understand that right now you probably have a whole lot of other people to deal with, but please, one day, remember that I'm here waiting. Please don't forget about me. I'm still here. As much as I sometimes wish I wasn't.

Please. Remember me.

Changes are coming.

I'm starting my New Year's resolutions early this year. Maybe that will make me more apt to achieve them? I accomplished last year's, so WIN for me!

I want to start taking more pictures and doing more photography. I miss that. It's something I'm good at and it makes me feel good to see how good I am. (Conceited? I got a reason.) I want to lose 10 more pounds by November 20 too. I've lost 15/20 since the beginning of the year with just subtle changes in what I've been eating and drinking. Water is my BFF, as is anything grilled... and salads. Salads are amazing. Sort of... until your 4th/5th day in a row of having one, then they just fail.

I'm going back to school in spring. Hallelujah for that. I'm finally gonna kick my own ass and get this shit done. I have to. I finally feel like it's MY time. I did this and made this decision on. my. own. I'm not doing this for anyone else, I'm doing this for myself and that's what needed to happen. I needed to do this. So, I'm doing it. I had to re-apply to get back in since I had been out since summer '08, but I got my email telling my the re-accepted me and I can apply for spring classes on November 6. So, here's hoping this fire I lit under my own ass doesn't go out.

So, since I'm going back to school, I was covering my bases and I'm (obv) back at Michaels. Got my old job back because, well, George loves me and David totally campaigned to get me back. I said it before and I'll say it again, I just feel more at home there than I do at this fucking office. I hate it here, but you know what? It's been good while it's lasted. It was a job and it helped me pay the bills for quite a while. Without this job, I wouldn't have been able to go to Nashville & I sure as hell wouldn't have been able to go to LA. My last day here is next Friday, October 30. THANK. YOU. GOD.

I need this right now - something to look forward to - like school and a change of scenery and all that jazz. I haven't been this optimistic and hopeful in quite a while. It feels good.

Speaking of looking forward to things...

#LALadies!!!

This may or may not end up being completely EPIC and I may or may not be EXTREMELY and UNBELIEVABLY excited.

Gah!

Yeah, that's right - in 26 days I will be on my way to LA!!

Can't wait.