I may or may not do things because of the reactions I know I'm going to get.
Only when it comes to certain things though.
Like boys.
:)

Whatever.
I'm not a whore by any means...
I just like the attention.

Maybe that makes me an attention whore?
Hmmm...

Bothered.




Not.


You know what DOES have me bothered though?
That I kind of sorta like this song...
and by kind of sorta, I mean really really.
Gah!

So maybe I'm just a bitter, sad and lonely person. Wanna make something of it? Yeah, didn't think so.

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

"I don't want to hurt you."

That's the only thing that I can't get out of my head as of late. I can hear it in my mind like he's standing here saying it over and over again. I can feel the pain and the overwhelming emotion pumping through my body, down my legs and my arms. It's like something grabs hold of my heart and squeezes tight enough for it to have to work triple overtime, but loose enough that the ache is terribly present. It grabs me at the most random and inopportune moments. I replay it over and over and over - on the couch, in the dark; talking about everything under the moon. The sometimes silences were comfortable because that's just the way it was with us. I looked up at him because I feel him staring. Something was wrong at that very second, something palpable changed. I looked at him and he pulled me up into one of his best hugs. He pulled back, kissed my forehead and pulled me back in. "I don't want to hurt you." I couldn't help but cry at that moment. I couldn't help but sit up and pull away from him and just let the tears fall. No sobs, no emotion; just completely blank and numb with tears falling. Why did he have to fuck it up? Because that's what he does and that's who he is - and the sad thing? I knew that. I always knew that. At that moment is when I knew it would all crumble. Everything we had, which wasn't really anything, but we both knew that we had everything within the other. Unconditional love for each other during our darkest most fucked up times. His divorce, my really bad cut-off from John; we were each other's life boat. He kept me sane when I started back into a place that I really didn't want to go to again. He knew that place and he knew I was headed there because he always just. fucking. knew. No matter what he. always. knew. He knew me better than I knew myself and I him. I know that telling it now it sounds like some really fucked up, unrealistic, cheesy bullshit romance novel; but it's all true. He was literally that other half that made me feel whole in a completely platonic way. I never felt about anybody the way I felt with him. From the very first day meeting him I knew. Four days, a week, a month later - inseperable. I was closer to him than anyone in my whole fucking life. These trust issues I have that keep me locked inside myself because of John? They didn't exist. He called me out on my walls I had built. The one day I finally broke down he joked the next day - "Yeah. You forgot to lock the back door. I'm definitely in now." Those were the very best 16 months of my life. The absolute, very best. The 3 years with John would never live up to those 16 months with Patrick and I didn't even love them the same way. I never loved John unconditionally; I didn't even know what loving someone unconditionally felt like until Patrick came along...


...and more often than not I just wish I still felt that.

Greatest. Song. To. Date.
Music has really been lagging lately and I THRIVE on new, good music.
Lady Antebellum is a new favorite; especially after this song.



Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now
I just need you now
Oh baby I need you now.

Good times. Always a good time with Patrick. Always. /sarcasm

I'm purple, he's black.

---

So I heard thru the grapevine that u look like hell. I may hate u, but u still need to take care of urself fucker. Thats all.

Lmfaooooooooo its so true!!! Who told you?? I miss you. How come u never call? U know this is just a game between us of pride and misery lol. I know u love me :)

"A game of pride and misery." How so? I dont call bc - like you - i dont care and bc i dont need u anymore.

We don't wanna be the first to call even though we think 'oh he will or she will call first, I don't need him/her' lol u just said it. Its so prideful. Ilu dollface ;) now what birdie told u I'm ugly? Lol

U use 'we' like YOU actually care, which is funny bc we both kno u dont. :P We're both extremely fucked up ppl who just so happened to be brought together for an instant in time for reasons i will never understand but will always be unbelievably grateful for. Its not necessarily about pride for me, but about not trying to fight against the way something is meant to be. An it was my best friend who saw u at the mall 2 weeks ago who said u look like hell; u know, the one whose name u dont know.

Oh yeah duh. I remember seeing her. I did look bad that day. I was exhausted. Ilu and u know it tho right?

So u say

Don't be like that. U know we have unconditional love for each other forever ;) Did she say I got fat?

I also know that ur so insecure that u really would like nothing more than for me to say it back to u. And all she said was that u looked like shit. I used 'hell' to be nice.

Thanks babe. I hadn't shaved and my clothes don't fit hahahaha I'm gonna start taking hydroxycut when I get the money

Which will be never.

Fuck u hahaha. Actually in 2 months everything will change

Been hearin that for fuckin ever too

---

And that was that.

smh. I will never understand.

Bah.

(In a non-sheep-like way, but a more Bah!-I'm-fed-up way.)

Yep, this definitely needs to be archived for future reference... like for when I need to laugh my ass off. That is all.

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. That's enough, Nickelback.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft..

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the **** was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people... I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way... We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die..

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a **** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in....(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died..

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32.. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories

35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.

What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood..

54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.