"It's hard to dream when you can't sleep. And you've shown me something that in all my tears, I've never seen before."

Why is it that I only ever want to blog when I really have nothing to say?
FT job is still all kinds of fuckery; it's like fuckery³... yep, that'd be 'fuckery cubed' THAT'S how much fuckery it is. I'm still doing 4 people's job and yes, I'm still running the office by. my. self. I've seriously got to figure something out for next year. I gotta get back into school and figure out what the fuck I want to do with my life because guess what?
This ain't it.
I'm hardly working at the PT job since my availability is so limited. 15/16 hours a week there ain't payin' the fucking bills so I'm still stressing about what I'm going to do about that. I really do enjoy working there though; it's just fun. So much better than sitting in that office all damn day dealing with patients. At least the customers at Michael's are bitches and then I usually don't have to see them again. At the office they're bitches and then I have to see them again and again and again.
LAME.
I actually wanted to type up an open letter to Patrick to make myself feel better, but I just don't care right now. My full-blown panic attack this afternoon freaked me the hell out. I know it sounds weird but that only ever happened when something was happening with him. I wouldn't know anything was happening but I would have these panic attacks, then when we would talk later he'd tell me something that had happened. We were always so connected in an insane and crazy way. I miss it. I miss him being able to just look at me and know exactly what was wrong and to know exactly what I needed him to do or say to make me feel better.
I think I may have become way too dependent on him while he was around; I just honestly never thought I'd have to worry about losing our friendship. Everything was so different with him. From the very first day we met and I found out he had a band and that he loved Maroon 5 and RHCP. From 4 days later when I asked him what was wrong and why he wasn't being himself and he broke down and told me he was in the middle of a separartion that was turning into a divorce. From that day 3 months later when he really pissed me the fuck off and I wound up grabbing him in the middle of an aisle, crying, and said "Please don't make me hate you." From that night on his couch 8 months later when he kissed my forehead and told me he didn't want to hurt me. It was at that point, that night, when I knew it was going to hurt like a mother fucker when this all inevitably came to an end.
I never wanted to cling to him but everything always felt so safe and secure with him, even though in the back of my mind I knew shit would go bad at some point. I just never really thought we would end up that way.
We loved each other and meant way too much to each other to let distance or bullshit come in between our friendship; our bond.
I'm so happy to have had him though. He came into my life at the perfect time. John and I were freshly disconnected and Patrick just seemed to get it. He always got me. He knew, he understood; he was always in my brain, sharing the emotions and pain because in his own way he was going through the same thing with his separation/divorce.
I knew what was best for him and he knew what was best for me. I trusted him and told him more things than I ever told my two best friends. There are still a couple of things that only he knows that I've never told Shanon or Joslynn; THAT'S how safe and secure I felt with him. He just told me what I needed to hear and never what he knew I want to hear. He didn't sugar-coat anything and always told me when I needed to grow the fuck up and move on and get over something.
I was, and still am, a better person because of the things he did for me. I will honestly never be able to verbalize or express my gratitude; but I know he knows.
He always did.
I am grateful for the time I had with him and for the fact that God basically dropped him into my life when he did. Honestly, without Patrick, I don't know where I would be right now. Those times a couple of years ago were not happy or good times for me. They were very very dark times, but Patrick was my sun.
Yes, yes I did just reference New Moon, but that's what I do; I relate everything back to Rob or Twilight. Anyway, that's why it's so hard for me to read New Moon and I know it will be even harder for me to watch it in movie form. Patrick was my Jacob and John was my Edward, minus the fact that John didn't come back and Patrick wound up leaving me too.
But you know what? It's been a long road and obviously I still get really down about it, but I'm okay now. I'm okay with the fact that we don't speak. I'm okay with the fact that he's no longer around; it kind of makes my life easier. The things he taught me that made me get over John leaving me made me a tough person; made me a fighter - which in turn helped me get my ass off the ground once he left me too.