Monday, September 21, 2009

I may or may not do things because of the reactions I know I'm going to get.
Only when it comes to certain things though.
Like boys.
:)

Whatever.
I'm not a whore by any means...
I just like the attention.

Maybe that makes me an attention whore?
Hmmm...

Bothered.




Not.


You know what DOES have me bothered though?
That I kind of sorta like this song...
and by kind of sorta, I mean really really.
Gah!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

So maybe I'm just a bitter, sad and lonely person. Wanna make something of it? Yeah, didn't think so.

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

Saturday, September 12, 2009

"I don't want to hurt you."

That's the only thing that I can't get out of my head as of late. I can hear it in my mind like he's standing here saying it over and over again. I can feel the pain and the overwhelming emotion pumping through my body, down my legs and my arms. It's like something grabs hold of my heart and squeezes tight enough for it to have to work triple overtime, but loose enough that the ache is terribly present. It grabs me at the most random and inopportune moments. I replay it over and over and over - on the couch, in the dark; talking about everything under the moon. The sometimes silences were comfortable because that's just the way it was with us. I looked up at him because I feel him staring. Something was wrong at that very second, something palpable changed. I looked at him and he pulled me up into one of his best hugs. He pulled back, kissed my forehead and pulled me back in. "I don't want to hurt you." I couldn't help but cry at that moment. I couldn't help but sit up and pull away from him and just let the tears fall. No sobs, no emotion; just completely blank and numb with tears falling. Why did he have to fuck it up? Because that's what he does and that's who he is - and the sad thing? I knew that. I always knew that. At that moment is when I knew it would all crumble. Everything we had, which wasn't really anything, but we both knew that we had everything within the other. Unconditional love for each other during our darkest most fucked up times. His divorce, my really bad cut-off from John; we were each other's life boat. He kept me sane when I started back into a place that I really didn't want to go to again. He knew that place and he knew I was headed there because he always just. fucking. knew. No matter what he. always. knew. He knew me better than I knew myself and I him. I know that telling it now it sounds like some really fucked up, unrealistic, cheesy bullshit romance novel; but it's all true. He was literally that other half that made me feel whole in a completely platonic way. I never felt about anybody the way I felt with him. From the very first day meeting him I knew. Four days, a week, a month later - inseperable. I was closer to him than anyone in my whole fucking life. These trust issues I have that keep me locked inside myself because of John? They didn't exist. He called me out on my walls I had built. The one day I finally broke down he joked the next day - "Yeah. You forgot to lock the back door. I'm definitely in now." Those were the very best 16 months of my life. The absolute, very best. The 3 years with John would never live up to those 16 months with Patrick and I didn't even love them the same way. I never loved John unconditionally; I didn't even know what loving someone unconditionally felt like until Patrick came along...


...and more often than not I just wish I still felt that.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Greatest. Song. To. Date.
Music has really been lagging lately and I THRIVE on new, good music.
Lady Antebellum is a new favorite; especially after this song.



Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now
I just need you now
Oh baby I need you now.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Good times. Always a good time with Patrick. Always. /sarcasm
I'm purple, he's black.
---

So I heard thru the grapevine that u look like hell. I may hate u, but u still need to take care of urself fucker. Thats all.

Lmfaooooooooo its so true!!! Who told you?? I miss you. How come u never call? U know this is just a game between us of pride and misery lol. I know u love me :)

"A game of pride and misery." How so? I dont call bc - like you - i dont care and bc i dont need u anymore.

We don't wanna be the first to call even though we think 'oh he will or she will call first, I don't need him/her' lol u just said it. Its so prideful. Ilu dollface ;) now what birdie told u I'm ugly? Lol

U use 'we' like YOU actually care, which is funny bc we both kno u dont. :P We're both extremely fucked up ppl who just so happened to be brought together for an instant in time for reasons i will never understand but will always be unbelievably grateful for. Its not necessarily about pride for me, but about not trying to fight against the way something is meant to be. An it was my best friend who saw u at the mall 2 weeks ago who said u look like hell; u know, the one whose name u dont know.

Oh yeah duh. I remember seeing her. I did look bad that day. I was exhausted. Ilu and u know it tho right?

So u say

Don't be like that. U know we have unconditional love for each other forever ;) Did she say I got fat?

I also know that ur so insecure that u really would like nothing more than for me to say it back to u. And all she said was that u looked like shit. I used 'hell' to be nice.

Thanks babe. I hadn't shaved and my clothes don't fit hahahaha I'm gonna start taking hydroxycut when I get the money

Which will be never.

Fuck u hahaha. Actually in 2 months everything will change

Been hearin that for fuckin ever too


---
And that was that.
smh. I will never understand.
Bah.
(In a non-sheep-like way, but a more Bah!-I'm-fed-up way.)